Dear Cable and Internet Company,
I would begin this break-up note with "no offense, but..." except that I have no qualms about offending you. Ever since the day Shentel left me and you took her place, I've been miserable. I used to complain about Shentel, but she was reliable. Shentel, if you're out there, I'm so sorry I used to refer to you as "Shit-tel." You were loyal and dependable. I still don't know why you left, but it saddens me every day.
Current cable... oh, boy... you cost me a fortune with your high-maintenance ways. You're never home at the same time I am, you have all these secrets and hidden fees that make me think you're cheating on me, and you've even stopped going to the gym with me. Maybe I'm adding insult to injury here, but honestly, you're just not that interesting. You don't offer me much, so that's probably why we barely spend any time together (when you even decide to make yourself available).
It's not a secret that we've had our problems since we first met. I know there's a better cable company out there for me, and I'm going to find it. As soon as I do, you're so out of here.
I wish you all the best and I'm pretty sure my entire apartment complex community is on the verge of breaking up with you, too. Tough luck, bro.
Take your stinkin' cords and get the hell out!
With deepest regret that I ever came to know you,