Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Compression Shorts Debacle

I must have been a flaming idiot to think that purchasing compression shorts would be an easy feat.
Caroline and I were meeting Mom at Dick's this afternoon. As soon as we walked in, I beelined for the Running section at the front of the store. I quickly located the women's section, and not long afterward, I had two $54 pairs of spandex shorts in hand. I thought that was a bit pricey for something I planned to wear underneath my running shorts, but I'm not yet as familiar with athletic gear as I'd like to be. The more I looked at the shorts, the more I thought, these shorts look more like something you could wear as stand-alones rather than underneath. I bummed around the women's section a bit more, hoping I'd luck into something that looked exactly like what I envisioned. However that works. Caroline was looking increasingly bored and impatient, so I decided to swallow my pride and ask the nerdy looking salesman with pants up to his chin for help. I handed him the two pairs of shorts I'd been nervously fondling, and I boldly said, "Excuse me! I'm looking for spandex running shorts that will help with chafing!"

He might as well have gotten on the mall PA system and made an announcement that the girl with real thighs needed assistance at the front of the store. I was probably about 15 different shades of red by the time help arrived, but I felt better that she looked like a tanned hide suitcase with neon nails and eye shadow. She said, "Oh, no, no. This is all wrong for you!" and she led me over to the compression shorts section, only a dozen feet away from where I'd been aimlessly wandering. She then proceeded to tell me that I would benefit from longer shorts, because only "skinny-minnies" can wear short-shorts. Why don't you just tell me that the friction I create from running will start a fire? She also chomped her gum as she watched me size myself against the immense selection of glow-in-the-dark shorts. I was half-waiting for her to be like, "Ohhh, no way. You need this color," or, "A medium?! You need a large, honey!" However, these shorts cost half as much, and they were much more attractive.

When I finally located a dressing room, it was blessed peace to lock the door and breathe. I tried on pair after pair, to no avail. This size fit better in the thighs, while that size fit better in the waist. This pair had better colors, but that pair matched the running shorts I already had. This pair was practically like underwear, yet that pair might as well have been leggings. Finally, I found a pair that fit perfectly (guess I'll find out after I test-drive them today), was comfortable, and was a cute, unobtrusive purple.
After that matter was resolved, I realized that I had no idea where the no-slip headbands were. I was dreading asking PA System for help again, but we were running out of time, and the store was expansive. I trudged back over: "I have another question for you. Where might I find gripping hairbands? You know, the kind that don't slip?" Obviously, it was imperative that I demonstrate with my hands, in case he couldn't hear me or understand our common dialect. He directed me to the section from whence I had come, where I had seen no such head apparel. I walked in a circle, and I was about to approach him again when I was able to dodge Leather Suitcase and I happened upon the headbands. I found exactly what I was looking for. NOT. My mother unabashedly opened several packages and insisted that I try on the headbands. I finally found a packet of three bands that were exactly what I wanted, and we high-tailed it to the cashier. He was a real ray of sunshine.
I won't deny that I was relieved to leave. Nevertheless, I now have a pair of compression shorts and three beautiful no-slip headbands that were exactly what I was seeking. But holy moley...

No comments: